Wednesday, October 24, 2007
The Sad Case of Beta Ray Bill
Let's be honest: I love my toys. It's a strange dichotomy - at home, we're paring down our material goods to some manageable number, and perform some secret middle-of-the-night culls of the children's accumulated goods, banishing those than make annoying noises or were made in some Chinese sweat-shop to the consignment bins. At work, however, I have a large book case dedicated to the collected figures of my childhood (and, I must admit, some more recently purchased): G.I. Joes, Transformers, Star Wars figures, Marvel super-heroes, Simpsons figures, and a motley crew from across multiple dimensions vie for shelf space and to be the Master of their particular Universe. It's a spectacle, and one that is hidden partially by a column, so casual passersby do not get the effect until they have entered the office. I have been told on more than one occasion that I have the coolest office on campus - and not always by just a student. The last comment I was given was that I could populate an entire planet with those shelves, and that's probably true - if the planet were about the size of B612. Maybe that's where Secret Wars took place.
Lately I read a book that started changing my opinions on the subject. Toy Wars chronicles the toy industry through the twentieth century, the current state of toy production in China, and the continual need to market ever younger to sell their toys, especially with sexual imagery. A great deal of the book looks at the Bratz phenomena, and is especially disturbing as the creator of the doll chain sees no problem with the over-sexualization of pre-teens, down to toddlers, because the audience demands it. There may be an audience demand from the target market, but responsible adults - parents, community leaders, and yes, toy-makers themselves- are supposed to act as gatekeepers to determine the level of acceptability for an age bracket.
Reading the book hardened my resolve to continue my boycott of China and to work towards curbing the effects of marketing and consumerism.
And yet, three weeks later, I found myself in the lines of a Toys R Us with a massive action figure in my hands, looking eagerly to being able to put him on my shelf at work.
Why?
Because it was Beta Ray Bill.
Beta Ray Bill, one of the few, and first beings other than Thor that was worthy of lifting the hammer Mjolnir. Beta Ray Bill, the goat-faced alien carbon copy clone of Thor. Completely goofy, completely ridiculous, and completely Awesome.
It was then that I realized that my concepts of 'cool' and 'awesome' can trump my loftier ideals when it comes to an impulse buy. But by that moment it was purchased and in a bag, and I was out the door.
Beta Ray Bill has now sat in the back of car ever since, in a bag. I can't bring myself to take him back, and I can't bring myself to take him out of his plastic coffin and add him to the community in my office. He sits, demanding to be let loose on ilk such as Ego the Living Planet, Jack of Hearts, or the Super-Skrull.
It also doesn't help that sitting right next to him in that membrane is one-sixth of MODOK: the Mental Organism Designed Only for Killing.
Again, completely awesome and ridiculous all-in-one.
Kristin asked me at IHOP a few weeks back why I needed to get stuff like this. Since Awesome is not really a valid or defensible argument, I'll take this moment to elaborate on the other items like Beta Ray Bill that have been tempting my scruples:
I want Little Cthulhu because I know if I'm about to be eaten by an eldritch evil from beyond the stars, I'd rather say 'Awwwwwwww' than 'AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!'. Also, one can't help but love the terrified weeble-wobbles it come with that fit perfectly in their hands. And this also seems like a little bit of Lovecraft that Kristin could begrudgingly accept.
This is single-handedly the essence of the joy of comic books distilled into three inches of PVC plastic. This is Kurt Wagner at his finest - not angsty like in the X-Men movie, but the swashbuckling, acrobatic, joyful Kurt that has always been a treat to read. I can't help but smile when I see this.
If there is any rock star that deserves to have an action figure, it is Freddy Mercury. If not only for his flamboyant style, he provided the theme music for both The Highlander and Flash Gordon, and is thereby a de facto member of the super-hero community. Plus, his tour outfit appears to be the inspiration for The Ray's costume, which I always thought was pretty sharp.
Speaking of Flash, Alex Toth was designed these amazingly detailed Flash and Ming figures based off on the 1980s movie. I consider this film to be one of the best science fiction space operas of all time, and given that I dressed as Vultan for last Halloween, it's understandable if I have a fondness for these figures. Plus the manufacturers promise more if the the sales for these are high enough. There could a Klytus, Kala, Dale, Zarkov, and Vultan in the future, and that's a collection I'd be willing to risk the Galaxy of Pleasure for.
From the practical side, I'd say that the Herculoids were the first example of a family working together to solve problems in adverse conditions, and an example of the symbiosis man can have with living creatures and the land. From an emotional side, I can't see how anyone can resist a rock ape, an armored armadillo that shoots explosive balls of energy from his thorn, a laser-firing dragon, not one, but two two protoplasmic balls of goo that can mimic anything Reed Richards could do with his body, and three humans who would give Lord Greystroke a run for his money. And least any sane person.
It's Blue Falcon and Dynomutt! The strange pairing of a serious superhero character and a goofy sidekick that was a cross between Scooby-Doo and Inspector Gadget always held my interest as a child, and I admire Toynami's ability to capture the pairs differing art style in these figures perfectly. 
If I had enough money that I burned a stack of two for kindling, I'd probably get most of the Soul of Chogokin series, which transforms the 2.99 Shogun Warrior figures of my youth into incredibly detailed and ultra-expensive models only available in Japan. And despite my love for Grandizer and his saucer ship, the great Space Dragon whose head becomes the torso for the robot Gaiking has to be first choice. The tiny head with enormous horns does the trick - it's like the Devil from Legend were suddenly to become a giant sixty-foot tall robot. 
Logical rationale can't express reasons for the Panda Z. It's just Awesome.
Labels: Cute Overlord, My Heroes Have Always Worn Spandex, Sheer Awesome, Toys
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