Humor
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When Squirrels Attack
transcript from Reuters

LONDON (Reuters) - A squirrel is spreading terror in a Cheshire town where it keeps attacking people. Its latest victim was a two-year-old girl, British newspapers reported on Thursday.

Children have been attacked, grown men chased and residents of Knutsford, central England, are fearful of letting their kids out to play, the Times newspaper said.

The rogue squirrel's latest attack was on toddler Kelsi Morley who was bitten on the forehead.

"It was awful because she (Kelsi) was spinning around and we couldn't get it off," her mother told the newspaper.

"From the amount of blood there was, I thought it had taken Kelsi's eye out."

The squirrel eventually let go and the terrified youngster was rushed to a doctor. Colin Booty, a senior scientific officer in the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, said it was very unusual for a squirrel to behave like this.

Local resident Blanche Kellye said the problem was not funny. "Everyone round here is living in fear...it's a vicious little thing. I'll never trust squirrels again."

 

Cloning Bloodsuckers?
Scientists have found an unusual way to prevent our planet overheating: move it to a cooler spot.

A group of US businessmen have announced plans to clone Dracula by digging up the body of Vlad the Impaler who inspired Bram Stoker's original novel. Vlad, a prince of Wallachia in the 15th century, is buried at a monastery on the island of Snagov on a lake close to Bucharest. Vlad, who was known as Dracula because of his father's membership of a Hungarian knightly order, became infamous for spiking Turkish prisoners of war on stakes.

The businessmen say the cloning plan will solve once and for all the mystery of Dracula.

Zoinks! The Indian Monkey-Man!
Police suspected a gang playing a practical joke, while vigilante mobs took to the streets and people fell to their deaths from rooftops trying to get away from the Monkey-Man.

After an extensive investigation by forensic experts and psychiatrists, the the monkey-man was concluded to be a ``mere figment of the imagination of emotionally weak people.''

Delhi's Joint Commissioner of Police Suresh Roy told Reuters noted that ``In most of the cases, the injuries were found to be too superficial to arrive at any conclusion. Most of the wounds could have been self-inflicted,''``It was found many victims changed their statements on several occasions. Psychiatrists concluded most of them were hysterical and could not be relied on.''

After the Monkey man disappeared, remote villages attested to a Bear-Man and a Cat-Man stalking their populaces. Can these all be coincidences. Has anyone seen an albino Marlon Brando with a white umbrella? A High Evolutionary? Would so many people have self inflicted wounds just to be famous? I smell a conspiracy. Mulder, take note! Possible episode in the works. But can B.C. stand in as the Subcontinent?

What could make Dr. Zaius go ape like Mojo-Jojo?!
Only those Pesky Kids!